I'm so ashamed of myself. I got drunk as all hell last night (alone), sent annoying text messages and annoying facebook messages...you know, that's something that happens to people occasionally. I occasionally get some silly drunk texts or fb messages and it's not a big deal, but I do this far too often. And I'm an ass when I'm drunk, let's not forget that. I'm annoying. I feel like I want to talk to people all the time but I figure they'll think I'm annoying if I do, so I don't, and then I get drunk and don't care that I'm annoying. The thing is, I've got decent things to say when I'm sober...when I'm drunk I'm just stupid. But I know I won't ever have the courage to talk to anyone sober. So I can either be sober and lonely or drunk and...annoying the crap out of everyone around me. I don't like either of these options but I think I'd rather just be lonely. I've worked really freaking hard on my body. I haven't been this happy with it in...ever, possibly, and I never get to see anyone. I keep contemplating taking pictures and putting them on fb, but that's so freakin sad. How do I stop craving attention? I'm like a gaping hole of neediness. To be fair, I just got divorced, I have no car, very little money, and I haven't seen a friend in...5 months. I saw my sisters at Thanksgiving, but not one friend since I saw William in July when I brought him the kitten. Because I alienate people. Because I drink too much and am annoying. Stands to reason that stopping the drinking would stop this phenomenon. To recap, though, I don't know how people make friends or have the courage to talk without alcohol. I'm just so gd bored. I found a list of 150 things to do instead of drinking...first thought, no lie, each of those things would be so much more fun with a drink.

The thing is I don't even drink all that much anymore. Once a month, maybe. So stopping shouldn't be that big of a deal...flip side, not stopping sure is having a huge impact. This is not a dilemma, I know what the right choice is. I just don't know...if I want to do it.

I just had this dream that someone was taking me out to a divorce luncheon (actually, a huge group of people) and there were all these tall, dark-haired boys that smelled so good, but they didn't get to sit at my table. I really liked those boys. I'm sad I didn't get to dream-sit with them. Tahaha.

I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love!

Obviously I'm not really in love. But I have decided to develop a crush on someone who I probably won't see for at least 6 months. He doesn't know my name and nothing will ever come of it, which is why it's perfectly safe. I just like to pine.

Opine, how you pine.

Oh, and can I just say, my child is so perfect. I never even had the right to hope that he would turn out to be so resilient and ingenious and sweet. It is a joy to be around him, and I am thankful for his very presence.

I've developped a system. Whenever I start to think about my old life, or Steven, or the divorce or anything, I give it two heartbeats. After two heartbeats, I have to think of something else. It's okay to mourn things, but it is not okay to be obsessed. Thinking about any of it at this point is just asking for sadness.

I completely overhauled my diet. I was hitting my 30/30/40 marks and staying under 1400 daily cals and getting around 20-25 grams of fiber, but I just still felt badly. So now I upped the protein a smidge, capped the sodium at 1500 mg/day, and vowed to completely pretend processed foods don't exist. If it didn't recently come from the ground, a farm-raised talapia fishy or an organic chicken, I don't eat it. Oh, except protein powder, which...I'm not really sure how to handle that stuff. It's practically just milk, but I can't drink milk because it makes me break out so badly...idk. In general, it's a little boring to eat this way and I feel sorry for myself sometimes, but I like to brag about it, so I don't tell people the negative parts :p I used to try to get Steven to do that. Like, he'd be all lamenting the fact that he couldn't smoke pot anymore, and I'd tell him "look, most people who have smoked pot at one point or another sort of wish they could do it again, but the successful ones DON'T TELL PEOPLE THEY MISS IT." I keep thinking I can will it to be true--that I like whole foods and don't miss sour cream one bit, that it didn't take tears and anguish to avoid eating the whole potato casserole from Thanksgiving. I like people who eat that way. For the most part, I like the food. I just...I miss my Lean Pockets. XD

My sister is all going on about Ms. Fitness, which I don't think imma do. I was looking at the winner's galleries and I don't even like the way the winners look...so why would I strive for that? idk. I'm not really sure what I'm doing. The one thing I really want is to move from being a "person who runs to lose weight" to being a "runner," but I can't...seem...to break that one open. There are people in the world, I think, who just love to freakin run. I like to run, don't get me wrong, it's one of the highlights of my day...but that's more because I can listen to loud music and daydream and clear my head a bit, be alone. IF I could do those things without the running part, I totz would :p

I'm all hopped up on coffee and dayquil. I'm so freakin' sick, and I have to work all night, so I should really be trying to nap...bler. Got a new wireless card that actually works, so I got to move back out of my mom's room! My nephew tore the old one into pieces (like, I don't even know how he did it...William couldn't destroy it, but Chandler had no problem...), but it sucked so badly it was a good excuse to get a better one. Which means I can play WoW now. That's just what I need to be doing, lawl.

Alrighty. byez.